Amid Autumn

I can't believe it's Halloween already! We're having some friends over and it'll be a fun night!

Summer went a bit late this year, most days got into the 90s until just a couple weeks ago. We had a short, cool rain storm come in for a few days at the end of September. Roomie called it a "False Fall" which I really like the concept of. There are always those few days at the cusps of the seasons that feel like the upcoming one.

I love Autumn, not quite my favorite season, that goes to Winter since at least in my part of California that's when it rains the most, but Autumn is a close second. Something about the spooky atmosphere and beginning of cooler weather brings a lot of joy to my heart. I love getting home and warming up under the blankets and watching the dusk slowly fade to night. Plus Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, all the decorations and spooky stories fills me with a childlike glee. Though I still like Christmas, it was ruined for a few years after I learned about the truth about Santa; Halloween never lost its magic.

I was really hoping to spend this Halloween with someone, I thought that someone was going to be Jade but that ended a couple months ago. I'm still following her on Instagram and a few posts make me think she's no longer seeing whoever she started seeing at the time we cut things off. I'm wanting to reach out to her, even if she is still seeing someone, I really did enjoy my time with her and it'd be nice to have more friends. Though part of me knows that is partially a lie and I just want to be with her. I've put aside romantic feelings for friendship before though, and it mostly worked out in that case.

I find myself in an in between state. Whenever I'm reflecting on my life I view it in chapters, sometimes I know which chapter I'm in while it's unfolding, sometimes only in retrospect. The period from late May to mid August, I was a cowboy, happily riding alone, working hard, open land my home. A positive solitude. That cowboy rode off when I had my mental break.

I Broke

Now I'm in a new chapter, I'm still trying to figure out what it is. Each chapter is heavily defined by the music I'm listening to at the time. It was a lot of folk/old country/Vietnam war protest songs when I was the cowboy. After things cut off with Jade, I listened to a lot of Mitski. She captures sadness in such a beautiful way. Slowly Mitski's songs' have been replaced with less overtly sad songs, more melancholic. Even though spotify is bad, I like their curated playlists and their "Moody Mix" has been my go to. It's a lot of sad Indie and Pop songs which I find funny since for a long time I would have looked down on someone for listening to such music. I'm happy I'm less judgmental now, I can just enjoy things without thinking about how others would react.

I'm feeling like whatever this chapter I am in is ending though. The music isn't capturing my emotions as it was a few weeks back and I am feeling more and more like that cowboy once again. I'm getting back into working out, something which took a toll over this period. I needed to take a bit of a break, I wasn't enjoying it and needed to work through some mental stuff before I could get back into working out. However, I'm not having the same feelings as the cowboy of the summer, It's a different chapter, a defiant chapter. Maybe this is a "False Fall" of the next chapter to come and I may still be in my melancholic madness, but either way I feel far better than I was at the end of August.

This was a bit more rambley than normal for me, but these topics have been bouncing around my head for the past couple weeks and I needed to put them down.

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